26 Oct

Nineteen. I’m nineteen. I have just  over 8 months left to be a teenager.

This dawned on me in a sober state last night whilst hurled between various drunken idiots in one of Cambridge’s most exquisite clubs ‘ballare’, which we students like to call ‘Life’. I am approaching adulthood. The peak of my teenage years have been and gone. But what of them? I feel the need to document in an attempt to share what few valuable lessons I have learned.

This time two years ago was a pinacle point in my life. To give you some background: in March 2010 I had become single for the first time in my whole teenage life. It was followed by hurling myself into another relationship in a failed attempt to fill the gap. Staying true to my character, this of course lead to a tragic and exceedingly overdramatic birthday break up in June, and the start of a summer filled with lots of wild sex and drug abuse.

During this summer a recently single friend and I, along with a group of 7 emphatically horny teenage men who were a few years older than ourselves, created a group we named 4 Way Punch (4wp). It genuinely did involve a punch with 4 different substances in it, but I won’t expand on the details of that. This was a time where I had absolutely no regard for my personal well being; I was numb from the pain of the break up of a long term relationship that had defined my life for as long as I had been old enough to acknowledge it. He was the centre of my universe. It ended incredibly badly, leaving me (a friendless emotional mess) to face being at a new school with him and his new girlfriend. This was the rebound I needed, a perfect way to find a level of reassurance through making multiple men drool over me. But alas, the end of the 4wp party (which lasted all day every day for a solid month), was followed by mad nights in London and many a recreational drug.  This phase lasted beyond the summer, specifically, till October 26th 2010, a year ago today (although there was a ‘rebound of the rebound’, of course, but that’s a whole other story). People at school thought of me in a typical ‘good by day, bad by night’ fashion, because whilst I was intelligent, charitable and Head Girl, I was still a sex crazed reckless bitch. Needless to say it was an odd time. My family treated me as some sort of mentalist and just left me to it. I bunked a lot of school, ended up with slightly dangerous people being pulled over by the police on numerous occasions, and generally behaved like a crazy slut-twat.

October 26th, I spent the day in bed crying alone for the first time in a long time (I’m a frequent crier by nature you see). A tragic situation in the family burst my carefree bubble and forced me to recognise the fleeting nature of life. It was time for me to pull my shit together. And I did.

Since that bizarre, and rather unexpected, awakening I have climbed the ladder of maturity and somehow made myself a relatively decent human bean. I think about the person I was then, and I barely recognise her.  I will never understand what I was thinking – I guess I just wasn’t.

It kills me to think about the things I did and the total disregard I had for myself. I see people who are 19 too and yet they still have that numbness, equally, I see younger teenagers resembling the mess I once was. They’re everywhere. We live in a generation full of mutilated hearts dying to express themselves but with no one to listen. Humanity has never been so individualistic, we are often total strangers to our neighbours, sometimes even to members of our own families. Consider the fact that for the majority of our humanoid history we lived in hunter gatherer egalitarian societies …aaaaand boom, you’ve found the cause of all your problems. We have to retreat! Love thy neighbour; the bible was right all along, fools!

Something this journey taught me was how easily one person can fuck up another. My ex was the cause of my political awakening and rebellion against my heritage, and yet he was the reason I was fucking drug dealers and guzzling vodka like water on a daily basis. Everything good and bad about my life, at that time, revolved around him. Like shit, how fucking crazy is that?! He’s just one person! Never undervalue the impact relationship issues can have on you, and never undermine people who have just broken up with someone by saying ‘worse things have happened’. We can’t objectify issues; for some people breaking a nail may truly be a tragic situation, for me this was, for children living in Sierra Leone dying of starvation, being forced to kill your parents and being homeless is. I guess it does knock it all into perspective actually, but still, the failed point is, we live our own lives, and what is an easy situation for some may be terrible for others. If a person is suffering, even if their situation is better than yours, respect the fragility of humanity and our differences at dealing with personal problems.

So how to handle feeling lost in a world that simply doesn’t have the time or patience to care?

You are the answer.

Nurture yourself, rely on yourself, become someone you admire.

The truth is, the majority of people don’t want to be friends with someone who’s depressive, negative, lost, confused, etc. I do, I have all the time for you in the world, a few others do too, but most, most don’t.

This world is designed for people to succeed if they are:

– upbeat

– talkative

– self assured

– banterous

– attractive

– intelligent

The more of those boxes you tick the more you’ll be liked, and the happier you’ll be. No one wants to admit that, I feel like a massive bitch just thinking it, but there’s little doubt in my mind, it’s true. The issue is, if you’re naturally disposed to behave in such a way and recognise this, you’re probably a selfish twat-slut-bitch with little regard for people who aren’t naturally kings or queens of the social jungle. Essentially, no matter what your character or how attractive you are, you’re a bastard/bitch/weird/ugly  in the eyes of many, in one way or another.

50% of us are introverted, 50% of us aren’t attractive, 50% of us aren’t funny, 50% of us aren’t intelligent. There’s always a top 50%, there’s always a bottom. No matter where you lie on any of those scales, there’s an issue. Just accept it. No one’s 100% for everything- and imagine if they were – god they’d be so hated! You are you, embrace yourself, with all your flaws and all your quirks. Life is short and complicated enough without your unnecessary insecurities, so make this part easy: love yourself. You can’t change your physical and emotional components, maybe you’re bitchy by nature, maybe you’re ugly, maybe you’re a complete social retard… whatever. No one cares about the face you show to the world as much as you do, so just relax, people aren’t judging you the way you judge yourself, so be honest about who you are and you’ll find similar people and live in a happy easy going way.


Whilst all of this is true: you should be happy in yourself, you should embrace your quirks and never repress your desires… I have to adress a controversial thing I’ve learned.  Being at a highly academic university  has resulted in me (a weirdo) being thrown into a place full of 1000s of other weirdos. This is because overachievers are by definition abnormal. At first everyone’s excetricities clashed, and this definitely wasn’t helped by the competitive nature of the environment. So what I’ve learned this year is that in certain situations it’s appropriate to try and adjust your behaviour to meet collective artificial social norms (unless you’re one of those rare people who enjoy being ostracised, in which case you probably wouldn’t have read this far). Why? Because we’re social beings who need to feel ‘accepted’ in order to feel happy. It’s okay to be different, but only within the (relatively large) limits of social acceptability. Everyone needs to have people they can relate to, so by analysing your strangest *assets* and mildly toning them down will advance your interactions and enable polar opposites to address you more readily. This makes social situations, and thus life, so much easier.

My most odd quirk is my level of empathy, it’s odd because compassion isn’t something we value in our social interactions anymore. A boy saying ‘you look really amazing’ to a girl can’t just be a honest sign of sincerity anymore, holding the door open for a guy is weird, calling up your friends to tell them you miss them can be odd. I am an emotionally open person, people think its strange at times, but I like to think it brings out the best in them and makes my relationships so much stronger. When high I’ve been known to write 15 of my friends love letters trying to reassure them about all their insecurities and telling them how much I value having them in my life and how incredible they are. 10 of them had never had such nice things said to them before. Such sadness. Clearly my abnormality occasionally shines through, but I’ve learned to control it when appropriate.

So yes, I have come to realise (through much social embarrassment) that my emotional capacity is ‘unusual’ to say the least, (my nicknames, aside from ‘Decent Head Girl’, are ‘Tragic Life’, ‘Weep Face’, and ‘The Cuddle Cage’). I am a person of extremes; I’m either fully devoted to something or completely uninterested. So I have tried to analyse ‘normality’ in a failed attempt to get closer to it. In some respects I’ve learned to channel my emotions where they are safe and not run around hugging strangers. I feel like it’s repressed to a healthy extent; we all have to make sacrifices to fit into this society and get along with each other. I no longer cry more than the friend who has been cheated on, I no longer get high and run around parks picking up litter for fun, I don’t call up people I haven’t seen for years to tell them I miss them, I don’t sit down with homeless people and have a cigarette with them. Despite the fact that I sincerely believe there’s nothing wrong with these behaviours, I have suppressed my ‘abnormal’ desires to make myself a person people can better relate to, and to be deemed relatively socially acceptable. It has helped me ground myself, but of course I still have my moments, especially when alcohol/ecstasy is involved.

Despite all this, I have come to realise that being emotionally secure is truly the most valuable thing you can strive for in life. It means you can reassure yourself in the face of upset, and it means that people will flock to you like moths to a light. I can put myself in other peoples shoes and thus help them subjectively and objectively address their problems. Being like this has let me save lives. I don’t think I have all the answers, I don’t think I even understand myself let alone humanity!!! But I’m  happy within myself, I don’t rely on anyone or anything outside my head for joy or reassurance. I think I’m on a path to a happy life.. and that’s what matters, that’s why people like me, that’s why I feel obligated to write things like this. Maybe it’s arrogant, but I don’t know many people who can achieve this so I’m just trying to help in what little way I can. Sorry if it’s offensive, I see why it may come across as patronising, but it’s just me being sincere. When you’re emotionally stable you can be self reassured which allows you to enjoy life in a far more sophisticated way.

Everything I’ve said can be summarised by saying: I wish everyone could feel stable and secure. If you can achieve this you will undoubtedly have an easier life. It comes from learning your flaws, accepting them, reaching a point of understanding about the various cruel parts of humanity, and becoming a kind approachable, relatively normal individual. We are all capable of it 🙂

So 20. That shit cray. But yeah, come at me adulthood! I’m ready and sooooooo up for leaving this shitty immature teenage thang.


Female Sexuality: A Guide For Men

24 Oct

Most girls are too  scared to say this to guys, so we appear mysterious confusing beings, but it’s not our fault society has portrayed you as the dominant more horny type of human when, frankly, that’s not true. How can we be honest about what we like when femininity has been thrust hand in hand with sexual timidity, innocence and verbal decorum for over a thousand years?

Once I told two guys I didn’t call someone back because he didn’t make be come. They both turned into expressionless zombies. If a lad had said such a thing he’d be applauded. Imagine what a typical 21st century guy’s reaction would be to a woman talking about how great her wank was this morning. Yeah. And yet you wonder why you don’t understand us.

Everything I shall say has been agreed by all the female friends of mine outlandish enough to speak about their sexual desires honestly, but still I expect it might not be true for everyone and perhaps biased in some way… because according to society and the coy voice of many frigid people, I’m probably a nymphomaniac. But this blog doesn’t say my name so I’ll reveal all and put up with society’s bullshit repercussions later.

So anyway,

  1. We don’t feel our pussies between our legs so it’s not on our minds every time we move, however we still think about it multiple times a day. I haven’t really stopped thinking about orgasming ever since aged 8 I put a remote control between my legs. We think about it most when we’re relaxed or lying down. That’s why you don’t get horny girls where you’d most expect them.
  2. This one may shock and horrify you, be prepared. We finger ourselves every day. Consensus between friends I’d consider ”sexually honest” varies from between 15-90 mins a day. I guess it depends on how satisfied we are down there, but even when sexually active every day for months, we’ll probably still enjoy some 1-1 time with ourselves for at least five minutes a day.
  3.  Orgasms feel like slow motion explosions.  It’s not centred around our vaginas, its a crippling wave that flows across every finger, arm, leg, and muscle. The build up is what makes us want to moan, we feel so uncontrollable, animalistic, and in a way, slightly frustrated. But it’s a good type of frustration.  I guess it’s like the feeling you get in the split second before you sneeze, imagine if that was elongated for a solid 5 minutes and you could feel the pressure creeping up your body. And then the release – it varies between fast and slow – I don’t know what to compare it to. I guess you’ll never understand it. It’s mind blowingly incredible. Sometimes a long slow release is amazing, sometimes a fast burst of sensation is also just as good; many have a preference. The great thing  is, as soon as it stops the build up starts again and feels even more vivid.
  4. The noise we make varies because it’s optional and sensitive. Some of the best orgasms I’ve ever had were completely silent. If you think she’s faking it look at any part of her body with defined muscles – are they clenched? Are her thighs tense? Are her toes curled? Is her face somewhat construed? Just understand that the fact some girls fake it isn’t their fault, so don’t get angry if you think it’s happening, just try to talk to her and pay more attention to her body.
  5. It’s not about size it’s about what you do with it. If a single finger can make us come I’m pretty sure any penis can. The sensations different sized dicks bring vary, but it’s all good. A girthy one stretches us at the base which is incredibly pleasurable, whereas a longer one takes a lot of foreplay to expand to; vaginas are only an average of 4cm long, they expand when aroused just like dicks. If you’re shorter it simply won’t expand as much. We’re very accommodating really. It basically means that we can achieve orgasm from anything over 4cm. If you’re over 5/6cm don’t just shove it in without paying her some attention, it won’t fit properly and depending on how tight she is that can make for awkwardness, which brings me onto….
  6. Queefing only happens after  penetration if you shoved in your fingers or dick before we were properly aroused. If we’re not wet it means we haven’t expanded properly so you shoving some large obstacle in there before we’re coated in our pussy juice means air will get in as you move.  So if she’s fairly tight and you quickly ram it in before she’s wet the air you push in gets trapped in with you and won’t be released till you pull out. If it happens during sex I guess she’s lose. Some chicks are, deal with it. It doesn’t mean the sex itself wasn’t good, it’s about the state she was in when you entered, and how big you are.
  7. Lots of girls don’t like it when you go down on them. What can a tongue do that fingers and your penis can’t? Very little. It can be enjoyable for a little bit, but anything longer than 5 minutes can get  frustrating. Others love that frustration and want it all day every day, we vary A LOT about this. It depends on whether she prefers clitoral or vaginal stimulation. Find out what she prefers by asking, if she’s too coy compare her orgasms from fingering her clit to finger fucking her.
  8.  Some girls can’t orgasm through sex. The best thing you can do is encourage her to be honest about how good it is. Some girls really can’t feel that much, so just make the effort to get to know what works. I have a hunch it’s about muscle and fat quantity but don’t quote me on that. Anyway, most girls will have a fucking great time if you do it right, if you find someone different I’m sure she’ll still enjoy sex as an opportunity to be close to you and please you, so just keep going and hopefully you’ll hit the spot. For some reason it’s way more socially acceptable for her not to finish than for him. This has to change. Make more effort with her clit if she doesn’t come during sex.
  9. Curiosity killed the cat, not the pussy. Be adventurous. Sexting is hotttt. Don’t routinise it – be as wild and spontaneous as possible. It’s so much more exciting than every other day at 10pm going through the same positions.
  10. Sex can be a power battle with certain types of people. Some girls like being dominated, some don’t. So if you haven’t spoken about it how do you establish what she likes? Let her move. It’s unlikely she won’t enjoy the freedom to move at her own pace, if she doesn’t seem comfortable maybe she just really is subservient. But still, don’t just fuck her your own way  – let her get on top and keep your hands tied. This is why handcuffs are great. We know you have a rhythm but don’t thrust us into it every time, get to know ours. If you do this right with someone you have regular sex with you’ll be able to synchronise your rhythms, orgasm together and finish at the same time. There’s nothing better. Don’t leave her feeling powerless unless you know she likes that.
  11. Anal sex is not as pleasurable as sex, we don’t have a prostate gland, but if you enter slowly and go for doggy style you can rub the back of our G-spots and we can orgasm from it. Doing it regularly isn’t enjoyable for us and sex is better, but if you really want it go in occasionally, lube up, and be gentle.
  12.  We can’t squirt like pornstars. I invested a lot of time researching this. We can release large amounts of come but it won’t come out the way porn depicts it. For more on this check out my Guide to the G spot.


20 Sep


Some of us are more susceptible to it than others as we vary in the amount of serotonin and endorphin receptors we each have in our brain, meaning we all experience varying degrees of happiness – however, everyone still has a norm level, and depression could be defined as what occurs when we as individuals fall below these personally established norms for a lengthy period of time.

The important distinction between chronic depression and what we can consider ‘normal depression’ is the fact that normally people only get depressed in response to an event or pattern of behaviour. A few people get depressed despite the fact they’re living life the way they want to and have nothing out of the ordinary to be sad about. If this is you then you should explain that to your GP who will assess you and potentially have your brain scanned to find out how much seretonin you produce and how many receptors you have. If it turns out your brain doesn’t produce enough of this vital hormone then don’t panic – you can take them orally and still live happily as long as you have a few receptors and increase your dosage throughout your life. However if your depression is ”normal”, i.e. in response to an event, you shouldn’t resort to happy pills as it will interfere with your natural hormone secretion and your normalised level of happiness will reduce when you come off the pills.

Moods are something most people see as internal uncontrollable experiences, however there are a few things you can do to manipulate the hormone levels in your brain thus allowing you to externally control your mood by your behaviour, rather than letting your behaviour control your mood. When something awful happens it’s natural to grieve, but when you feel ready to start healing yourself but feel held back by your mood try doing some of these things to help your brain recover and make your life easier:

  1. Sleep lessWhen we sleep we release dopamine which is a drug partially responsible for causing depression. Depending on how severe your depression is (which, despite what doctors might think, only you can assess, because only you know how far away from your normal level of happiness you’ve strayed) sleep between 5-8 hours. Ideally you should go for 7 on your first night of experimenting with this and assess whether you still feel too depressed V how tired you are, then work it out from there. Often when something bad happens I find myself wanting to sleep the entire week away, but honestly that will only make you feel worse, this simple tip really can reduce your depression and boost your mood greatly.
  2.  Bodily comfort. Whether you’ve just broken up with someone, did badly in an exam, are in the process of bereavement, had a big argument, or whatever it may be, one of the best things you can do is have close, affectionate, intimate sex with someone you care about. It’s often the last thing you’ll want at the time, but the pressure of a warm body against our own causes us to release oxytocin which is the hormone responsible for reducing stress levels  which in turn encourages healing and reduces anxiety. Of course it’s not always available, but just remember that we have evolved to find comfort from physical contact; simply being touched by someone we love has an incredible impact on the centres of our brain controlling the emotions of fear and distress. This is why when face to face with someone who’s upset, besides providing comforting words, the best thing you can do is hug them.
  3. Self assuranceFor the majority of our humanoid history we’ve lived in hunter-gatherer societies surrounded by our entire extended family. Life’s very different now, we may live in the same house as other people, but we are all completely alone. For that reason it’s important that we take control of ourselves and learn how to be dependent. This isn’t natural for many people and can take a lot of time to perfect, but self assurance, i.e. the ability to be able to comfort ourselves alone, is something we all need in this world today. The truth is, all relationships are fleeting, relying on a mother, friend, partner, sibling, aunt, or whoever, for comfort will leave you very shorthanded at some point in life. In extreme cases you could even end up like this:Imageif you’re not naturally a self loving person this can be a very odd experience for you. To be self assuring you need to sooth yourself, you need to tap into your sub-conscious mind and let it comfort and console your mind. Instead of being negative you need to use your subconscious to comfort your consciousness by telling yourself things like: ‘it’s all going to be okay’, ‘you can get through this’, ‘calm down, you need to pull yourself together’,  ‘time will make this better’, etc. Your head contains everything you need to be happy, you just have to give yourself the reassurance that we as humans all seek. Don’t rely on anyone else to build you back up, you can fix yourself yourself!  It will make you stronger, you’ll be able to get over things much more quickly and easily, and soon enough you’ll get used to it and it will become an automatic thinking process. If you can do this you’ll become infinitely more confident and happy in yourself. You have to treat yourself like the most loving mother would and learn to be the source of reassurance you need, because no matter what happens in life you’ll always have you.
  4. Express yourself. A lot of people think that expressing their feelings, or venting, makes them weak, that ”big girls don’t cry”, that talking about emotions is lame and unnecessary. I’m quite sure most of the people who buy into that have to cry themselves to sleep on a regular basis. Time and time again, studies consistently prove that the old saying is true – a problem shared is indeed a problem halved. The distinction between venting and seeking reassurance is vital, remmeber, you need to be your source of reassurance, but  having someone there to reinforce that and listen to you is extremely helpful. Letting off steam and talking through the events and the consequential emotions they’ve caused you  not only helps you get over them, it allows you to order your own thoughts, understand your own emotions, connect to the subconsciously repressed feelings that have kept you angry or upset. If you really can’t bring yourself to talk about it with someone you’re close to, write it down. You don’t have to keep a diary, just type up what’s happened and how it’s made you feel, then read it. Let it out, don’t repress your emotions, it will only make you more and more depressed and angry, our mind isn’t a bottle we can use to keep emotions in, emotions were designed to be released, the longer you hold onto them the bigger and worse they become.
  5. The Pollyanna Game. My grandmother taught me this as a young child and I think it’s largely responsible for my optimistic nature. I’ve had to deal with a lot of tragic family events, but through these hard times I somehow manage to keep myself grounded and fairly sane, which not only helps me, but everyone else around me too.  It’s because of this game. Pollyanna was the story of a girl who always said ‘it could be worse’. Despite the fact she’s a fictional character, there’s a lot we can learn from her. It’s not the natural thing to think when you’re in a devastating situation, but it will help you. Even if you’re about to die in a fire, play the Pollyanna Game and think of the good times you’ve had and the nice people you’ve met, it could be worse, you could be younger, you could have had a sadder life, you could never met your friends, etc. No matter how bad your situation is, find something positive about it and focus on it.
Don’t let your mind run away with negative thoughts and pessimism, life is too short. Use these 5 simple tips and soon enough every day you’ll fall asleep smiling.  Live as happily as possible, because who knows if you’ll live or die tomorrow.
We can’t control much about the world, but we can control our thoughts and behaviour, so do whatever it takes to be happy. No matter what situation you’re in, remember, no one on their death bed wishes they’d been more negative and depressed. 


The diary of a traumatised daughter.

19 Sep

It was a perfectly pleasant windy September day when my life changed forever. That day may have only been yesterday, however I know that this will traumatise me deeply for the rest of my life. After spending the day helping my grandma host a tea party for all the old jewish ladies of Hampstead I headed out to the pub, caught up with an old friend, then went home for a cheeky early night. A perfect way to spend a windy September day, right? But no, that’s not how this day ended, oh no. 

I was fast asleep by 1am, a rare occasion, dreaming of various mundane situations involving my dog and rabbit. Then BAM. I awoke. Startled, I sat up. Could it be? Was it a movie on too loud? Was my sister’s boyfriend over? Was my window open allowing me to graphically hear the neighbours? Was I still dreaming? Then came the confirmation of the worst possible situation, a situation so diabolical I hadn’t even let the thought cross my mind. After the moans I heard it.. I heard my mother repeating my fathers name in a most distressing and grotesque manner between loud noises that sent vibrating shivers across my entire body. I froze. NO, NO, NO. How can this be?! I have lived in this house my entire life with them and never heard such an occasion. I thought their sex life was over, I thought my dad was having an affair, I thought their marriage was crumbling.  It turns out I was wrong. It sounds like their 22 year long marriage is most definitely alive and well. Very well. Too well.  For the first minute I simply sat there frozen and wide eyed whilst absorbing the horrifying truth of the situation. I grabbed my phone, it was only 2:30! I quickly texted my friends ‘is anyone awake I need urgent help!’ and went onto facebook to find three supportive names online on facebook chat. Perfect, a support network. Or so I thought. The truth is, if a friend had come to me in the same scenario I too would have laughed, I too would have found it hilarious,  but as with most things, it is a different matter entirely when you are the victim.


I sent out various tweets as I realised my friends were offering no comfort or rescue opportunities whatsoever. To help you grasp the sheer terror running through me as the 45 minute ordeal unfolded here are the thoughts I tweeted, in time ascending order:


just got woken up by the most terrible sounds any daughter can hear and will never be able to have sex again.


I’ve never felt more suicidal. WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM

I wish they only had sex twice. Once to concieve me, and once for my sister.

Just when you think its stopping it comes back with vengeance.


I go to such lengths to avoid people hearing me, we need some fucking decorum in society people! DONT HAVE LOUD SEX WHEN SOMEONE CAN HEAR


I cant believe I was subjected to hearing this for at least 9 months of my precious life as a foetus!







upon someone saying something about ‘sweet baby jesus’ I replied: @HolaHammie @TheBigShow1976 MARY WAS NO VIRGIN, DONT REMIND ME OF BABIES PLEASE -THEY COME FROM PARENTS HAVING SEX!

opening the window so I don’t have to breath in their second hand sex breath and smoking like a traaaain.



Before last night I used to enjoy s*x, it was my absolute favourite hobby. I EVEN wrote this blog purely to publicise s*x theories and whatever it is that I write about. Now I can’t even bring myself to look at the word! To those of you who think I’m being overdramatic, I ask you to go and listen to your mother screaming as she’s being whipped for half an hour whilst your daddy grunts and swears. My door was wide open which usually isn’t the case, so perhaps that’s why I heard it, my sister remained sound asleep – but honestly I have no idea how, it sounded like she was screaming into an amplifier.

Now I’m sorry to burst everyone’s happy bubbles, but  the truth is, noise like that isn’t the happy uncontrollable result of an orgasm. It’s something we women do as it allows ourselves to express verbally how uncontrollable, sensational and good we feel internally…. plus because we know men love it. It’s always nice to have a loud expressive screamful s*x session, I’m not denying that, but can’t you wait till everyone’s out the house or go to a field? We have a wonderfully deserted forest just down the road for peats sake!

 If I ruled the world I would most definitely advocate a sex all day every day policy but with  TACT. In halls it’s not so bad, it’s just sexy sex sex (there I said it!) between people you aren’t disturbed or disgusted by. Everyone knows their friends have sex, so I don’t have an issue with hearing them doing it. Still I think if you live somewhere with thin walls you should get some decency, some class, some consideration and bite a pillow, or go to his room. But my point is, YOUR RELATIVES DO NOT WANT TO KNOW YOU HAVE A SEX LIFE. YOUR FRIENDS DO, YOUR RELATIVES DO NOT. Please remember that forever, if you’re a particularly forgetful individual why not tattoo it onto your genetalia? You’ll be doing someone a favour some day. If this blog only stops one innocent person hearing their parents at it, my trauma would have been worthwhile. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very passionate (cringe at the word now) about causes like poverty, injustice, mental illness, human rights, et cetera, and I don’t want to serve them any discredit, but I think it’s high time someone launched a campaign to raise awareness to adults that they must make sure they keep their sex lives hidden away from younger generations, ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILDREN.

There is really nothing I could say to accurately portray the sheer depth of my disgust. I may print this off and leave it under their door, I’m undecided about whether I need to confront the issue, but knowing me I probably shall. It’s not the fact they have sex that has shaken me, it’s the fact I heard it, it’s the fact it wasn’t vanilla. It’s the fact that my headphones were downstairs and even with the door closed and a pillow over my head I still felt like I was in the room with them. It was the way my mother moaned and my father grunted, it was the fact that these were sounds I associate as lovely yet they were coming out of something old, broken, and frankly disgusting. The very worst part was the fact that these were sounds that turn me on. These were the sounds of orgasms and enjoyment, but they were coming from people who couldn’t possibly be less of a turn off for me. For that reason in my head these sounds will never be associated purely with sex and pleasure any more. A few months ago whilst living with an uncle I overheard him sexing a few times, but I couldn’t hear him, just a series of random woman he was fucking, and I don’t know him or think of him in a parental way so that wasn’t half as bad. It still took me a week to get the noise out of my head and relax during sex again though. I truly think this occasion will haunt me for the rest of my life and stop me from enjoying sex for a good few months at the very least. If you are a parent and you think ‘oh well they’re teenagers doing it themselves now, no need to hold back’ please change your mind, and if you’re like me, living with your parents, why not accidentally email them this? If you’re neither I’m incredibly jealous, please please please can I come and live with you?

I shall now embark on the slow and painful journey of self recovery as I try to get the noises out of my mind. Alternatively I may jump out my window to prevent ever having to look my parents in the eyes again. We shall see. Thank you for your time and sympathy. Oh and if you happen to see a ‘PARENTS DO NOT HAVE LOUD SEX’ campaign, or know of a company that provides cheap sound proofing please don’t hesitate to get in contact.















12 Sep

SO FUNNY. SO TRUE. Clare you are an inspiration for us all and an excellent troll of an ESTP. xxx

Life as an INFP

12 Sep

About the test

For the last two years I’ve literally been obsessed with the MBTI personality test. I use it on all the men I think about seeing, and I’ve made all my friends and family members take it too (most of whom are now also obsessed with its accuracy).

I always thought I was an ENFJ, but when I sat down to take the test a few months ago I analysed the questions much more deeply since I last took it and came out with an entirely new personality. It resulted in a minor identity crisis – how can I be introverted? I love talking, I’m vivacious, I go out, et cetera. I could believe that I had moved from being J (judgemental) to P (perceptive) because that was always a low score and I see logically how that transformation has taken place during the last 2 years. The  intuitive and feeling scores remained constant and very high, they are the two aspects of my personality I identify with the most, so that was okay, but introverted?! REALLY??? . Last night I took the test again and got the following percentages:

Introverted (I) 51.52% Extroverted (E) 48.48%
Intuitive (N) 63.89% Sensing (S) 36.11%
Feeling (F) 85.71% Thinking (T) 34.29%
Perceiving (P) 59.46% Judging (J) 40.54%

How I perceive the world

INFP – It Never Feels Perfect. I genuinely care about every single person and  I think I would do anything for anyone no matter how compromising a position it puts me in. I don’t really matter to myself, I feel like I live through my effect on other people not other peoples’ effects on me. Although that’s not to say that (1) I don’t like myself or that (2) people don’t effect me, they do, it just doesn’t matter to me as much as my effect on them. I do care about myself and I love being alone, I see myself as my best friend – something I’m not sure many other people do. A friend once told me ‘you just have to accept the fact that no one cares about you as much as you do’ – but that’s something I’ll never be able to agree with because I know it’s not true, I care about other people far more than myself – at least I think. I want to believe that all people are selfish because that’s how most of them act, but I know deep down it simply can’t be true, because I’m not. I see emotions as flavours of humanity that build up in layers over a fundamental bedrock of good and peacefulness that lies at the core of us all. I think people are all good, we are often just misguided. It always shocks me how little other people really care about me in comparison to how much I care about them, and that’s something which will always depress me, but I’m coming to terms with it. I think what makes me so different lies in the fact that I love people in a much deeper way than anyone else i know – it seems abnormal at times but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love to love and to look after people. I am capable of empathising with any living organism including plants and insects. When I was a child I accidentally stepped on a snail once and cried for the majority of the day calling myself a murderer.  I feel as if I take on the emotions and pain of everything/everyone around me. I constantly strive for purpose and perfection but I don’t think I’ll ever truly find either. I have an incredibly vivid imagination and due to the negativity in my home I spent my childhood not only with imaginary friends but with a whole other imaginary life in an imaginary world which I realise means I was born an idealist. From the age of 2 when my sister was born I became motherly. My baby sister wouldn’t cry for her mummy when she was sick or upset, she would cry for me, and to this day she still does. As a child I automatically assumed responsibility for everyone more vulnerable than me and teachers were always confused my early motherly nature. Every day that I live without doing something to make someone else happy was a waste of a day. When I dream about lying in my death bed I know I’ll only be happy if my life helped a number of  other lives considerably -and I’m pretty sure that number has to be over 100. My biggest fear is dying without having had a purpose and helping the world. I like to think that if I make someone smile who was sad I’ve made some small positive change in the world, and that used to help me sleep at night, but now no matter what I do in a day I never feel satisfied that I’ve done as much as I could or should have. I feel guilty for everything I’ve ever done that unjustifiably upset someone, including the time aged 6 I called the new boy the F word (fat). I like to think that because I care about everyone so deeply anyway I can stop myself ”falling in love” which I feel like I have to do to protect myself from the pain of  failed relationships which has previously been a near unbearable experience. I believe that all people are equal and I hate hierarchical systems for destroying that truth and making people feel worthless and inferior – I think this is the biggest crime in the world and that we all deserve the same opportunities and living standards across the globe.

My relationships with other types

I have never had an argument with any of my ENFJ, ENFP or ESTP friends – sure I’ve jokily debated with them, but they aren’t people who offend me, and somehow all these people often have very similar views to me.  Most of my bestfriends are one of those 3 types. Getting on so well with ESTPs is definitely surprising but they have quite a morbid sense of humour which I love, and are usually very sexual, witty, fun, sarcastic, intelligent people so naturally I just can’t ever get enough of them and I love it when I find one. I feel like these types of people keep me grounded, and drag me out of gutters, (shout out to Clare Warwick  (LUSMS).  My best friend at uni is an ENFJ who I love  to bits because she is also very F, opinionated, and spontaneous. We never get bored of each other and I could talk to her about anything and really be myself. I am instantly attracted to  ENFJ guys but I don’t know many.I really enjoy a singalong with ESFPs, but we clash in many ways. I also have lots of INTP friends but we clash occasionally if they are too T. I had a very long relationship with an ENTJ but that was an absolute disaster because we developed such different values and priorities. I also had a long friendship with an ESTJ which, debating aside, was rewarding because we are literally polar opposites. I’ve attracted a few INTJs, but I never find their personalities particularly compelling or interesting. These are definitely all the types I interact with the most. So far I’ve found this chart very accurate in all my relationships…

On being an extroverted introvert:

I’m clearly a borderline introvert, but this was still a shocking discovery, and of course it changes the relationship of all aspects of my personality. I’ve realised however that the stereotypical idea of an introvert is entirely false. Introverts are not necessarily shy and quiet. My explanation of my own introversion comes from the fact that I thoroughly enjoy my own company. After I spend lots of time with several people I feel increasingly drained and in order to recharge I have to spend time alone. I am incredibly comfortable in pubs and clubs with  friends, meeting new people, but actually in retrospect my favourite nights are those I spend with a few close friends just talking and after that the nights I spend alone in a candle lit bubble bath with a good book and a glass of white wine. I wouldn’t say I need a social life in order to survive, I am perfectly happy spending days at a time on my own, for example at university I  frequently lock my door, turn my phone off, and pretend I’m out just so I can be alone. However at the same time I live for those moments when I can make other people happy and I really love having a wide circle of good friends to talk to. I can talk to people for hours on end, I love making people laugh, I have no issues making new friends and starting or leading conversations, and I frequently find myself at the centre of attention during group conversations which I’m perfect comfortable with. This is why  I’m quite confused by the whole idea of being introverted – does this just mean extroverts are people who enjoy the company of others more than their own?  I think I’ve always been this way, I’ve always had a great time by myself and needed to be alone to relax, I just thought that was normal and that I must be extroverted because of the stigma attached to being a ”lonely, shy, boring” introvert.

 My biggest flaws

1. Structure and routine. I want every day to be like no other. This kind of makes the idea of ever ”settling down” or making it to all my lectures impossible. In school I had a 40% attendance rate by year 13 because I couldn’t stand the pointless monotony – if I read a textbook I can teach it to myself far more effectively than sitting in this class with all these distracting people.

2. Rules? Oh perlease, I have like no patience for these whatsoever, I can make my own decisions about what I should and shouldn’t do thank you very much. I see why they might be necessary in primary schools and why laws should exist to maintain order in society, but don’t try and restrict my freedom if I’m not doing anything that’s directly harming someone or something – which I wouldn’t do anyway, duh.

3. Authority and respect. No one has authority over me, unless my complicated system of morality grants it to them. People who impose authority over me for stupid reasons like ”because I’m older”  or because ”I gave birth to you” can expect very little in the way of respect. My respect is something I give to people who earn it, not to people who simply demand it.

4. Overthinking. I like to express my opinions and ideas and I have something to say about EVERYTHING… hence this really random purposeless blog.

5. Who knew morality could make a person argumentative… paradox much?! Yeah I guess, 90% of the time I’m generally a happy peaceful content person, but if my friends do something I find morally corrupt and don’t fix it I will fight my cause to the end. This often means temporarily losing friends who frequently cheat on their partners but don’t tell them or who rate people on family wealth, education and status to create an established elitist hierarchy (yeah this actually happened, some bitch who I was friends with actually rated everyone in my year based purely on those factors). This gets annoying because I gain nothing in having a bitch fit about things that people have already done, but I can’t help it. If someone does something wrong I will tell them, and I’ll be blunt, very very very very very blunt. I get jealous of people who can see someone do something wrong and just not give a shit, because it means people generally tend to like them more, and presumably they have much easier lives.

6. I cannot hold a grudge for long. That’s why above I said these lost friendships are only ever temporary. Soon enough I’ll miss the person, no matter what their crime. I’ll apologise for my hissy fit, make them a cup cake, and build a bridge over all broken paths. IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING. For example, when 2 weeks ago my sister stole my credit card to go on a shopping spree, hid my coat so she could keep it whilst I’m at uni, and was generally unpleasant about every aspect of my existence, I vowed to never help her again. TWO days later she made cute puppy eyes .. soI wrote her personal statement. Part of me resents this but I guess it’s also a good thing that once I blow off my steam I always regret what I say and try to fix it.

7. I am incredibly unmotivated. It doesn’t matter if I stare at a picture of starving children for half an hour, I still can’t find the inner strength to actually finish anything if it isn’t going to save a life. I leave everything to the last possible second, I scrape through my life by putting in the absolute bare minimum amount of effort required for whatever I’m doing. It makes me feel selfish and ungrateful, but I usually do okay in the end so it’s sort of successful in many respects, still it’s painful to live this way feeling constantly bad for doing well without doing enough.

8. Criticism. If you criticise anything or anyone I care about I can’t help but take it personally. I will get deeply offended, and I’ll let you know about it. Of course I think my opinions are right, that’s why they’re my opinions!! As far as I’m concerned there is no such thing as constructive criticism , all criticism is soul destroying and upsetting. If I have a flaw I will find it (I mean can you see this fucking list of not?!) and I will try to improve it myself, so there’s really no need to tell me about it.

9. Caring too much? To be honest, I don’t see this as a flaw, other people do. I will literally, and seriously I mean l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y, do anything for anyone if it will make them happy/help. I gain the most satisfaction in life by helping other people. I want to make sure everyone is okay all the time. I don’t care about my own condition anywhere near as much as I care about the people around me. That is what defines being a high F I suppose, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but it often seems odd to people that I am capable of giving so much, so for that reason it bothers me but that’s societies fault for being so selfish, not mine. I empathise too much, if I’m with a person it’s like half of my brain is subconsciously focussing on how they must feel in whatever situation we’re in. So I tend to smother people and some find it patronising that I’m often say things like ”are you okay?”, but I only ever ask it if I have a reason to be worried. I suppose it is weird, but it’s just who I am. I can’t help it, I’ve always been like that.

10. I ignore the truth and live in my imagination. I hatttttttte to admit it. It’s so hard. When I was 7 I kept a diary which I recently found and it said ”the world is so nice and great and I love it, but then I see Jasmine and the world suddenly becomes horrible and cold”.  It was easy to ignore just one person who made me feel bad about life at the age of 7, and I did, but now Jasmine is most people. I want to just turn a blind eye to all the things that make me feel bad about my life, but now that I’m educated and almost ”out in the real world” that’s completely impossible. I avoid the news like the plague, I read the pages that seem most positive in newspapers (unless I really want to know about something). I constantly try to reaassure myself and believe that the world is a good place full of good people who are simply misguided. In fact, I truly do believe that… but I have a horrible feeling I could be wrong… but I’ll just go think about something else and ignore that feeling.

11. I never get bored. I could listen to the same song on repeat all day (if I like it), I genuinely can’t understand why/how people get bored, and that probably means that I’m a massive freak because everyone’s always bored according to facebook and twitter and life. Throughout lower primary school I always sat at the dolls house and played on my own every break time and lunch time. It was heaven. Then I would go home and play with my own all evening afterwards. When my sister wanted to play with the dolls house too once I said ”we have to play in our heads and imagine the conversations so we can play separate games because you won’t understand my characters lives”. My dad was stunned by it and wrote it down. It wasn’t boring. My head is full of incredibleness and my imagination is literally limitless and if you give me the same toys every day for 10 years I will find a way to keep it exciting. I don’t even need toys any more, I can just think, and it’s amazing. I love thinking with other people and getting into really deep philosophical conversations, because thinking with two brains brings so many new ideas forward, the more the merrier, but I can cope perfectly well on my own too. This also makes it really hard to sleep because like, who wants to turn off the world? I hate it. I never want to stop thinking or living and like OMG the internet is just so cool, there’s always a million things I’d rather do than nothing and sleeping is that.

12. I have no self control. I am so spontaneous and free of self discipline that if I fancy doing something I will if I can. I spend too long in bed, I have too much sex, I get with people I hate if the moments right, I eat too much chocolate, I go out when I have unfinished essays due, I buy things I don’t need, I say things I shouldn’t, I give too much away, I attack people for having the wrong views, I spend like 1000 hours A DAY online, I buy people presents too often for no reason, I spend hours watching youtube videos of incredibly random shit, i’ll buy 10 books and make a time-table but never sit down and touch a single one, ETC. It’s a nightmare, I’ll do whatever I want to in the moment I’m living in, I never say no.

13. I hate doing mundane tasks, I want everything I do to have a purpose that somehow helps humanity in some way. What’s the purpose of life if it’s purposeless? I don’t know what my purpose is, but I know that everything I do has to have a helpful purpose in some way. I’m feeling bad about this blog because I don’t see how it can help anyone, it helps me, but that’s not enough. I’ll use it to bash David Cameron or something… that’s always helpful. This brings us nicely onto:

14. Sorry, where was I? Yeah, as is surely clear, I tend ramble and go verrrry off topic.

15. I enjoy introspection too much and I always focus on the negative. Clearly.

Social Constraint, Conformity, and Differing Sexual Behaviour

30 Jul

As Hamlet said to Ophelia, ‘God has given you one face, and you make for yourself another’ . The battle between who we are and who we want to be is a battle many of us tirelessly fight. And  perhaps rightly so, there is surely nothing wrong with aiming to constantly improve ourselves.

But, I have found myself trapped in two different behavioural routines that I bring forward depending on my environment. I noticed the prominence of this only when returning from my notoriously up-tight university after exams this summer. Although I’ve had 2 holidays whilst at university where I’ve returned home, I suppose I never truly returned to my ”former self” in these times due to continued work pressure forcing me to connect to my university environment. Perhaps it’s because I’m more relaxed at home with the friends I’ve had for years in the places I know so well, but I think there’s far more to it than that, and I don’t think I’m alone in having this issue. It’s a fact: social appropriateness in different environments require different etiquettes. But I literally change everything and it feels so wrong. So why? Why does it feel so unhealthy and unnatural, at least retrospectively?

Solomon Asch, a renowned Psephologist, conducted a study to test this. He placed participants in groups of six.. the participant was under the impression that all the people in their groups were also particpants, but they were actors with predetermined answers. Asch showed slides with 3 lines on them. In the experiment each members of the group had to say aloud whether line A, B or C was the same length as line X. The slides looked like this:

The participant was placed last in the group, thus each of the actors called their predetermined unanimous and wrong answers out before the participant. In this circumstance Asch found that all participant would give the wrong answer at least once to conform to the group. This shows that conformity is a natural thing we all do in order to reduce the dissonance of being the odd one out. So it shouldn’t feel so wrong that I change my behaviour around certain people, it’s natural.

At home I am far more open about my  ”private” life, personal preferences, and generally more relaxed. I think I quite intentionally  decided to become more reserved sexually before going to university due to the ”good by day, bad by night” reputation I ended up obtaining at my 6th form. I distinctly remember creating plans to limit my sex and started feeling a need to hide sex when I did have it which is not what I would do at home. It’s frustrating because I feel almost like I’m lying to  myself and like people who meet me in this more alien environment can never really get to know me. Having bound myself to several obligations in different societies and committees I feel forced to become more ”straight-edge”, and I suppose at the time I felt like this was okay because I assumed it was a permanent change. Yet coming home I have reversed back into my old self and am now left wondering whether the last six months of my life have been a constant act. That was until I was around my dad’s rather posh friend this afternoon. Now I realise there is simply a more mature side I put forward when I want to be taken seriously.

So, the issue is, why don’t I feel like I can be taken seriously as an open, sexual, down-to-earth person? A place where all this becomes quite obvious is in clubs. At home I don’t worry half as much about people judging my behaviour, so I relax and do whatever I feel like safe in the knowledge my friends won’t judge me and my career won’t be hindered. At university I feel completely differently, I feel like people will categorise and judge me severely if I get too drunk, get with guys I don’t know, dress inappropriately, behave unpredictably, etc. We live in a society where ”respectable” people behave in very routinised ways, but why? When politicians in diplomatic settings confess drug use we don’t deem them unfit for their jobs, but if they publicly took drugs there would be uproar. Why? I think it’s because we judge what we see, especially if it doesn’t fit with the stigmatised traits we deem appropriate for specific types of people involved with certain roles in specific environments. But that is not post-modern, it just feels so backwards in such an open, multicultural, democratic, free society.

The sexual nature of this blog has refrained me from posting a link on facebook because the thought of certain people reading my thoughts on controversial issues like Porn leaves me cringing and quite frankly, scared. What will they think? Will they ever look me in the eyes again? What conversations will they have about it? I think certain people would be very condescending about the whole idea.  We think we live in an open-minded liberal society, but introspection has forced me to deeply question this, because naturally I am not one to change my behaviour or views.  Maybe it is just me, or maybe, as I think, we all feel forced to conform and change our overt behaviour in certain situations to avoid the dissonance that comes with living in a subconsciously closed-minded society.